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Writer's pictureYulia Hartman LMFT

The guide to the only relational formula you will ever need

Caring requires paying attention, seeing, listening, responding with respect. Its logic is contextual, psychological. Care is a relational ethic, grounded in a premise of interdependence. But it is not selfless. ~Carol Gilligan, Joining the Resistance
We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.~Brene Brown

The sweetest spot of life is the intersection of truth and love, authenticity and care. A relationship where an authentic voice is consistently met with a loving presence is not only nourishing but also life-affirming.


This article is for everyone who:


  • Wants to contribute to the creation of a non-violent world

  • Wants depth and authenticity in their relationships

  • Wants to expand their capacity for emotional connection

  • Has a deep yearning for being real and a longing for a meaningful connection

  • Wants to unlock the key to the freedom of self-expression

  • Believes that relationships can heal

  • Is done feeling small or insecure

  • Is a leader or wants to step into the voice of leadership


 

Developmentally speaking, the self forms in relationships. As renowned British psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott once noted, "There is no such thing as a baby. There is a baby and someone else. Meaning, of course, that wherever one finds an infant one finds maternal care, and without maternal care there would be no infant."


The baby, or more specifically the life within the baby, is actualized by the act of being loved. From a developmental perspective, our existence is affirmed through our connection with another, or more presicely by how another responds to us.


Dr. Allan Schore, a leading expert in modern attachment theory, emphasizes that the formation of the self begins long before language or explicit memory is present. He underscores that the quality of care we receive as infants during the first 1000 days of our life will often determine the unconscious nature of what we believe to be true about our value, lovability, and goodness.


While Dr. Schore has long asserted how crucial a caring other is during our formative years, he has also been a powerful advocate for the role the relationship can play in our healing throughout our lifespan. While he originally made the following statement to describe the psychotherapist-patient relationship, it can easily be applied to all relationships that have the ability to bring about healing/wholeness. As Dr. Schore put it, "Decades of research evidence and clinical experience converge: the psychotherapy relationship makes substantial and consistent contributions to outcome independent of the treatment…We need to proclaim publicly what decades of research have discovered and what hundreds of thousands of practitioners have witnessed: The relationship can heal."


 

I would personally advocate that any relationship that is capable of healing- capable of making whole- is simply a wonderful relationship to be in. One does not need to be in need of healing to enjoy a relationship like that. I would also state that for those who have experienced relational trauma, including attachment injury or a history of betrayal later in life, a relationship with healing properties could be nothing short of life-changing.


Relationships that heal are also relationships that grow, nurture, support and inspire. They are simply good solid relationships. So, what makes such a relationship?


The first ingredient, as you may have already guessed, is love. For a relationship to be an agent of healing and growth, there must be love. When our existence is met with love, life flourishes inside of us. Full of life, we are naturally compelled to showcase our innermost thoughts, emotions, and beliefs to the world around us. This outward expression serves as a reflection of our unique identities, shaping the way we interact with others and the environment. Whether through our words, actions, or creative endeavors, we constantly seek avenues to convey the depth of our being and connect with those around us on a profound level.


The voice, as the expression of the inner life in the outer world (self-expression), is the second ingredient. Sharing who we are with those we love, bringing curiosity and a desire to know and be known deepens our connections. A secure attachment is one where being authentic strengthens the bond, not weakens it.


Healing relationships are meant to support each individual involved in becoming their best fullest selves. In relationships where one's increasing self-awareness is met with even greater love, a strong sense of security and deep nourishment is felt. As a psychotherapist, I have observed that when one partner encourages and values the other's path to self-discovery, honoring their partner's growing self-awareness, both partners feel validated, uplifted, and satisfied.


Loving the life inside another is what early relational safety is built on. If the life inside of us receives no love, several things happen. One is that we start to feel tremendous insecurity and become preoccupied with attaining/securing love. Alternatively, we might withdraw our inner world from relationships altogether, as life devoid of love is life endangered. If we become completely disconnected from the source of love, within or without, the starvation will result in the chaotic dance of craving love, while simultaneously fearing/being repulsed by it.


When it comes to our connections, while a loving relationship affirms our existence (i.e., offers a firm ground for the life inside of us to emerge), it is the willingness to express our inner life in its fullest truth that brings a relationship to life.


Human relationships have the ability embody a very powerful dance of love and life. Love nurtures the inner life, which blossoms into full expression in the external world, which in turn repsonds with even greater love, beckoning new life to emerge into the world. This is the eternal dance of love and life. Love birthing life; life expanding love. Ans so on for infinity.


But what does this dance look like in relationships?



The discovery of the relational formula


A relationship between two humans is a relationship between an authentic voice and a loving presence. In the absence of either, there is no relationship.


Exceptional lovers understand how to bring the heart of their truth (voice) and the truth of their heart (love) together in union, creating trust, safety and a profound sense of aliveness for both partners.


The secret to what constitutes a truly exceptional relationship was ultimately revealed to me by my clients. It all began with me documenting a range of complaints and frustrations expressed by clients throughout the years. Gradually, I categorized the complaints I received into two distinct groups. One was the complains around the lack of safety and the other was issues around the lack of aliveness.


In the "lack of safety" category were things like: "I walk on eggshells" or "Every conversation we have results in an argument" or "I feel tense and axious all the time." In the "lack of aliveness" box were things like: "I feel alone in my relationship" or "I don't even know if anyone really knows me" or "I don't know who I am anymore."


Along with these complaints, there were recurring inquiries that emerged consistently.The inquiries posed and examined by the individuals and couples were:


  • Are we becoming complacent and agreeing to lives that we said we did not want? People are starved for depth and authenticity in their relationships, yet agree to accept far less than what they say they want.

  • Are we experiencing a care crisis? More and more people are reporting that good care is very hard to come by. More and more individuals have reported feeling paralyzed or scared to ask for care. Being vulnerable was one thing, but being vulnerable and dependent has pushed people over the edge.

  • Have we stopped being real with each other? A significant reason for the breakdown of the relationship is the failure or reluctance to share inner truth. Aloneness (not being known), even if one is in relationship, is something that I've heard consistently in my practice.


The most basic and inclusive version of the relational formula can be summarized as follows: We're made whole in relationships where our existence is met by love. Love and care are essential for our survival, as evidenced by decades of attachment studies and research. Without love, life cannot be sustained. Without love, life is unsustainable. And yet, while a loving relationship is foundational for the development of self, it is the expression of self that is key for bringing aliveness to that relationship.


When aliveness is met by love and love is able to inspire a deeper aliveness, relationships thrive. Disconnected from love, we feel deeply unsafe. Unable to express our deeper truths and we feel deeply alone.


For the relationship to facilitate the most profound growth, two elements must be present: the willingness to express inner truth and share authentic reality, and the ability to offer care and bring loving presence.


On being met


To be met is to experience a loving presence as it shows up to whatever is emerging.


One common (and a very disastrous) misconception in relationships is the idea that we can ever know ourselves or another fully. What this problematic notion creates is the expectation that once we meet somebody, we have met all there is to meet.

Newness or otherness (aspects that feel foreign to us) scare us, trigger all kinds of alarm bells and, in extreme cases, can even be perceived as a form of betrayal.


Yes, new and unfamiliar aspects emerging from within ourselves or from within someone we depend on and are bonded with, can threaten the security of the bond. Our sovereign voice can at times endanger the certainty of our connection. It can take us by surprise. It may be disconcerting to realize something that was not consciously present before, but is now manifesting.


To meet ourselves or another being fully, we must cultivate deep and unwavering presence. Cultivating presence is a gradual process and if we say we want intimacy, if we say we want to be known, then learning how to welcome change or new emerging aspects in ourselves and others must become the integral part of how we relate.


So yet another way to look at the relational formula I'm sharing with you here is to recognize the importance and the value of meeting reality as fully as possible. The more of our reality is met with full presence, the more seen, known and alive we feel.



But what if reality poses danger? Do I still welcome it fully?


The direct answer to it is no. Protecting ourselves from harm is something all of us have the right to do and something we will do automatically. Because nature has equipped us with a variety of automatic life-preserving mechanisms (flight,fight and freeze), we will naturally run from the threat, fight it or succumb to it.


The more complex answer is to continue exploring the question itself. In the presence of relational trauma, for example, things like tension, discomfort, conflict, or even truth-telling can feel like a threat. No growth is possible without feeling some degree of discomfort or fear. Conflict and tension in relationships often signal that growth wants to happen. Noticing and naming what hasn't worked requires courage and must be responded to care.


Distinguishing between distress that is manageable or even necessary to make change happen and distress that may lead to irreparable harm will help you make better decisions on how to respond when dealing with triggers in relationships.



What happens when only one part of the formula is present?


Every component of this formula is crucial for the formula to work. Without the voice, the relationship lacks aliveness. Because the voice is an expression of one's inner life, without it, one is relegated to a life of aloneness. Unaddressed, this aloneness will become emptiness and the emptiness will start to feel like deadness. Relationships that lack fierce and loving truth-telling and where is no sharing of the inner life start to feel lackluster and uninspiring.


Relationships where one's existence is not met with loving presense feel tense, anxiety-inducing, or volatile. They induce a sense of "walking on eggshells", as we start to fear negative consequences for being and acting authentically. Without a safe receptive space, we start to adapt to whatever little emotional capacity there is, leading us to become small. Relationships that lack receptive capacity become painfully reactive and unsafe.


Relationships without individual expression feel lonely. Relationships without relational receptivity feel reactive.



The path forward

Today, I encourage you to begin exploring how connection and authenticity play out in your relationships. This, of course, includes your relationships with others as well as your relationship with yourself.


Begin by investigating what love and care mean to you. What is the most natural way for you to love? What helps you feel cared for? Do you feel most comfortable receiving or giving care? How clear are you about the kind of care you need when you need it? Are love and care ample and easily accessible in your relationships? How does being in relationships feel to you? Do you look forward to spending time with people in your life? Or do you feel a sense of unease, tension, or anxiety, whether mild or pronounced? Have your relationships burdened you or liberated you?


As you explore your connection to yourself, consider what your original environments have taught you about the value of your connection with yourself. Were you brought up in environments where being yourself brought you closer to people or caused painful ruptures? Do you enjoy knowing yourself? Do you find your inner world to be interesting, precious and worth knowing? What are you general attitudes towards yourself? How do you feel towards different aspects of yourself? Do you feel free to express yourself in your relationships or do you routinely hold yourself back? Do you find yourself in relationships where you feel known? How important is it for you to know and understand those you are in relationships with? How do you feel about personal differences? What are the most pleasurable aspects of your relationship with yourself and what are the most difficult?



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