The Inner Well
Holisitic Psychotherapy Practice
Can I be real with you?
a Relationship Intensive
The Intimacy Cure is process of healing and becoming whole through the recovery of our relational self. It is a process of growing our ability to be intimate and real in relationships. It is a hopeful vision, a revolution and a way of life.
The disconnect or the loss of the relational self causes us deep suffering. It constitutes a kind of trauma that leaves us feeling fearful and chronically depleted and that permeates every aspect of our lives. If the loss of connection is the wound, then intimacy is the cure. But how do we get there?
A relationship in crisis:
The developmental lens
There are multiple points in our relationships where- consciously or not- we're faced with an important choice of whether to continue with what no longer fits or engage with what emerges to step into deeper intimacy with ourselves and others? Many of us let the opportunity for deeper intimacy slip because we have no idea how to meet the challenge of welcoming new growth without massively disrupting our life as we know it.
A relationship in crisis is often a symptom of a relationship that is resisting life (change, growth, evolution) and any relationship that does not know how to welcome change, evolution or growth will eventually end up in a crisis of some sort.
All relationships experience growth spurts, which are periods of expansion, transformation and new learning. If we want to grow, we must do our work and our growing IN relationships. I call this principle ethical individuality, developing and growing while being interconnected.
Relationships make it hard for us to hide. Eventually, our relationships can't help but reveal and bring to light what has long been suppressed or what aches to be brought to light and integrated into our conscious experience.
Becoming real in relationships:
So many of us in relationships dance around what we want or hide aspects of who we are because our relationships are simply not designed to safely hold that kind of expression fully. We dance around what we believe would be too hard for our partners. We dance around what we fear would be too hard for us. We dare not disturb the relationship because at our core we believe it is too fragile. When relationships are set up in ways that foster the conflict between the individual expression and the preservation of the relationship, everyone loses.
Relationships aren't supposed to be static. Relationships, done well, should grow and evolve in response to the lives of those who inhabit those relationships. If the relationship is unable to evolve with the needs of its people, the whole thing can become rigid or brittle. The lack of safety, emotional dryness or the lackluster quality in the relationship can be a sign that there is stagnation or that there is an inability to effectively respond to the challenge of recognizing and integrating the growth that wants to emerge.
Relationships are complex. Relationships are not risk-free. If we're relational, we're vulnerable by nature. The point is not to sterilize the relationships of all risk, but instead to learn to work with the reality of each person's dynamic complexity integrating that skillfully into the fabric of real relating.
by the time our partners become something we need to protect ourselves from and our relationships become something we need to survive, many things have gone horribly wrong.
learning how to be in service of creating the kinds of relationships that allow each individual life to unfold safely and joyously helps us move from the state of war to
the place of love
Consciousness:
growing, wholeness,
the evolutionary path,
collective cosmos
Intimacy:
the recovery of the relational capacity, being real, feelings, needs, authenticity
Security:
viability, trauma work, wound/adaptation,
boundaries
the therapeutic model:
The recovery of our relational self happens in secure loving relationships that are able to hold complexity and be fiercely loving. In such relationships we don't shy away from facing hard things and we grow and evolve ...lovingly together.
Through this work, you will begin addressing what's at the root of the draining relational dynamic. What is the wound and how have you adapted. When one person's adaptive stance inevitably triggers another's adaptive stance, things can get hurtful quickly. You will learn how to notice this painful dance and how to pivot.
You will practice setting boundaries and speaking truthfully and with heart about what matters. You will learn to discover your relational self (the part of you that enjoy close connections and being known) and will see you partner do the same.
the theory
Premise #1: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."-Rumi The degree of intimacy (connection) we experience has everything to do with the degree to which we're open to it. Conscious/unconscious desire and conscious/unconscious blocks must be examined. For example, if we say we want the connection, but can't seem to experience connection or belonging in a way we desire, we must explore the unconscious ambivalence (fear of intimacy, for example) along with the internal structures and parts that act to "protect" us from connecting to ourselves and others.
Premise #2: relational injuries will make intimacy both desirable and scary. A big part of what's blocking us from accessing connection/love is the cumulative effect of relational trauma, which simultaneously makes us crave and feel repelled by intimacy. So to become intimate, we're invited to first become clear/conscious of both the desire and the fear, to not exclusively choose either and to integrate both.
Premise#3: recalibrating what trauma has disrupted IS the work. For trauma to occur, two things must happen at once- feeling overwhelmed and being unprotected. Relational trauma means we felt overwhelmed and unprotected in our primary relationships. This resulted in us being cut us of from our feeling (I'm numb or I feel too much) and our ability to use healthy power (I can't protect myself). In (adult) relationships we feel numb/overwhelmed and unable to use effective boundary to keep ourself safe.
Premise #4: clear boundaries+open heart=intimacy. To cope with relational trauma, we learned to put into place various protective/defense structures (i.e. aggression, armoring, pursuit of power, perfection) while simultaneously suppressing all vulnerability (cut off feeling, cut off needs). With our defensive structures a hair trigger away and our vulnerability banished, we either ache for connection, but feel unable to engage in true intimacy (numb) or we become cut off from our relational longing and needs altogether (hardening).
Premise #5: true relational shift happens when we learn to ally with what opens us to true relating. Unknowingly traditional therapeutic work often focuses on armoring up an already armored individual/relationship, thus supplying rigid adaptations and cutting the individual/relationship off from accessing love/connection.
details:
-The Intimacy Cure is in-depth focused relational work facilitated by Yulia Hartman, LMFT either in four 2-hour sessions or as a weekend-long experience.
-Weekend-long intensives are held at my office in Santa Fe, NM
During the weekend you and your partner will:
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Understand the nature of painful relational patterns without judgement or blame
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Identify the wound and the adaptive behavior (hint: the adaptive patterns are good for survival, but are detrimental to intimacy)
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Explore family of origin roots of the wound and the adaptation
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Practice new communication skills: Imago dialogue, specific tools for how to communicate what can be hard to share and to receive, but can actually be an important catalyst for growth and deeper intimacy
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Each couple will leave with a set of practices, new tools and recommendations for how to continue with the work outside of our container
As your facilitator and guide, I bring over 15 years of clinical practice, training in embodiment practices, Imago relational phychotherapy and a wealth of practical experience working with couples who felt closer and more connected as the result of our work together.
Cost: $1800 (includes NM service tax) and can be paid in two installments in full before the work begins.
Cost includes: 8 hours of direct work and practice over the course of two days, one 1 hour Zoom follow-up session two weeks after the intensive